I put in headphones and lay my head back. Something catches my eye and I look over. What the?! There I am! I'm sitting right next to myself! Across the aisle. I'm wearing the same clothes I was on my way out east.
I watch myself for awhile.
I'm laughing and talking to the person next to me. I'm enjoying watching this encounter. My exuberant gestures, head bobbing and laughing out loud. I didn't realize how big my cheeks got when I laugh. God, I still look like my baby pictures. Those cheeks! It makes me smile watching myself laugh.
Suddenly, everything shifts, and we're falling. Wait! Somethings happening! The plane is going down! I'm scared! No one seems to notice! I'm trying to get her attention, but myself doesn't seem to notice either. She just keeps smiling and laughing!
No! This can't be happening! Not yet! It's not time yet! After everything, this is the way I'm gonna go?!
I bite my lip and hold back the tears as I watch her spiral downward.
Then it shifts again and she's suddenly skiing... backwards! Down a GS course as if skiing away from me! Down, down, down. She's still smiling. She's waving at me!
I love her! I don't want her to go! She's wearing bright colors and looks so happy! She loves it here! On the mountain - skiing. All she wants to do is support children like her, in their own dreams, and adventure the world with other people, championing for greater love and respect for the planet, and the beings that share it. I want to make all of her dreams come true, but I'm so afraid I'm going to let her down! I don't know how! I don't know what to do!
"Don't go! No! Not yet," I yell to her, but she doesn't hear me. She doesn't here me! This is my greatest fear! This moment! When it all ends. It all just slips from my fingers and I never did those things! Because I was too afraid. Too afraid to crack my tough, independent, strong and physically brave heart open to actually tell anyone what I actually wanted to do with my life! Auugh!! It's almost too much for me to handle. "STOP!"
I jerk awake. I'm on the plane. Sweating. I look around. Did I say anything in my sleep? Was I moving around? No one's looking at me in my giant puffy coat with the hood still partially covering my leaking eyes, looking totally bewildered and dazed. I assume I didn't do anything hysterical. But then, I don't really care if they did. I am totally empty of all my masks.
Just before dozing off I had been reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. At the end of his book, Ruiz describes the death of the 'mitote' or the parasitic judge and victim. This must be where the plane crashing and eminent death idea came from.
I'm on my way home from my ski racing adventure. I had such an awesome time catching up with teammates, athletes, coaches, friends and family. I am so grateful for the trip! The whole experience brought back some great experiences for me! Some questions have been answered in my mind about what I want to do, and yet I wonder if there isn't something more Just beneath the surface. Time to dig a little deeper? What's possible?